Stop Being Too Hard On Yourself

By SC Chua for Yahoo! Southeast Asia

You never like what you see in the mirror. You are always telling yourself that you you're not good enough and that you shouldn't even bother. You get upset because you didn't go to the gym, ate that chocolate cake, and the list goes on.

Like it or not, we all have an inner critic who is the first one to put ourselves down and dish out the insults. "This is the voice of your Inner Mean Girl. She's negative. She's catty. She's judgmental. She compares your worst to everyone else's best," says Christine Arylo, author of Choosing ME before We and co-founder of Inner Mean Girl Reform School (www.innermeangirl.com), a series of programs that give women tools to transform their self-sabotaging patterns into new self-empowering habits.

The problem when you pay too much attention to that voice? You restrict yourself from trying your best and instead stay stuck in status quo simply because you really believe that you are not good enough. "These negative voices slow you down, and make it way harder—sometimes impossible—to achieve the happiness and success we all deserve," says Amy Ahlers, author of Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves.

So how do you shush your Inner Mean Girl? Here are five things you can try.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
It won't help if you are keeping up with the Joneses because there will always be someone who is richer, skinnier, smarter, prettier and better. Comparing yourself to others is a sure killer to your self-esteem.

2. There is no such thing as perfect.
Why? Because it is an illusion your inner critic made up. The thing is nobody is perfect and nobody has it perfect as well. In some point of our lives, we are all struggling with something—whether it's in terms of financial, your career, your health, or your relationships. So learn to love your imperfections and bumps in life. Embrace and accept them, and if you want, let them motivate and inspire you to do better.

3. Prioritize and recognize what matters.
Is it really important that you wear branded clothes? Or that not a strand of hair is out of place all the time? We didn't think so. Neither does Catherine Birndorf, MD and co-author of The Nine Rooms of Happiness, who thinks that it is more important to focus on things that deserves priority in your life and not obsessing over the other little things that aren't as necessary. "It's important to recognize who you are, how you do things. Once you have this self-knowledge, you can start to determine where obsessing over details matters and where you can let it go," she says.

4. Stop saying negative things to yourself.
By saying it, you mean it. And by telling yourself that you're not good enough, you'll eventually come to mean it too! To stop pilling on the negatives, do as Arylo suggests. "List the word-for-word statements your Inner Mean Girl uses to get and keep you down and distracted. And then next to every one of her toxic statements, write a self-loving, self-empowering statement. Say these positive affirmations daily for 30 days and you'll make your inner wisdom's muscles stronger than your inner mean girl," she says.

5. Celebrate the small victories.
Small things do really matter, especially in the case of beating your inner critic. So with every achievement you've made—whether big or small—remember to give yourself a pat on the back as an acknowledgement.

"The Frog Race"

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began.

Honestly, no one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as: "Oh, way too difficult!", "They will never make it to the top." or, "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"

The tiny frogs began collapsing, one by one, except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher.

The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But one continued higher and higher and higher. This one wouldn't give up!

At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower, except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top! Then all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it? A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?

It turned out that the winner was deaf!

The wisdom of this story is:
Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you - the ones you have in your heart!

Always think of the power words have. “There's life and death in the power of the tongue”(Proverbs 18:21). Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!

Hakuna Matata (No Worries)

"Lauren," Hank scolded, "you really have got to stop worrying so much. You’ve made it a full-time job! You worried about James failing high school. You worried that the girls would marry deadbeat husbands who wouldn’t provide for them. You worried about our flights getting cancelled before our vacation. Last month, when you had that cold, you even worried about getting the whooping cough, of all things. You worried about all these things, and none of them happened!" 

"See!" Lauren exclaimed. "It worked!" 

How many of us are like Lauren? Sure, she was making a joke, she knew worrying didn’t do any good, but in some situations it seemed to be all she could do. She had long ago fallen into the habit of worrying, and she didn’t know how to fall out of it.

Research studies have revealed that we typically worry five times as much about things that will never happen as about things that actually do occur. That’s a lot of wasted worry! If you’re this distracted, you cannot effectively live up to your potential. Worry will drain your energy and stifle your commitment. Every minute you spend worrying is a minute that you’re not committing. Worry is the opposite of faith, so stop worrying, and deepen your faith.

One good way to combat worry is to commit to memory Reinhold Niebuhr’s "Serenity Prayer": "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." 

Once you’ve accepted the things you cannot change, how do you change the things you can? Simply take a rational approach. Let’s say you have a new job and are worried about making a mistake. The worrying mind quickly jumps to a worst-case — and highly unlikely — scenario: If you make a mistake, you’ll get fired. Rationally, you know this is improbable, but how do you prove it to yourself? It’s simple. First, you break down the chain of events that would lead to your firing. Then you assign a probability to each event; a rough estimate will do.

So what are the real odds of your being fired? Even though each individual probability is just a rough estimate, the total probability, which is the product of all these individual probabilities, is a good ballpark estimate:

Probability of being fired because of a mistake = 0.25 x 0.1 x 0.7 x 0.1 x 0.05 = .0000875, or .00875% (less than one chance in ten thousand).

Now, doesn’t that put things in perspective? This kind of rational approach can help you get a handle on your worries. If the chances of your being fired because of a mistake are less than one in ten thousand, there’s really no reason to worry about it.

I remember the words of the wise baboon, Rafiki (is that an oxymoron?) for the Lion King fans, "Hakuna Matata!", meaning "There are no worries!" Well, that works great if you are living in the jungle ... in a movie. 

However, for today’s real world, I say, "No worries, take action!" Life’s rewards go to those whose actions rise above their excuses ... and their worries. 

So take positive action today and wash away your worries!

"The Wolves Within"

An old Grandfather, whose grandson came to him with anger at a schoolmate who had done him an injustice, said, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."

He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way."

"But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eye and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather solemnly said, "The one I feed."

"Dad May I borrow 75 pesos"

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?" 
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man. 
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" 
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily. 
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" 
DAD: "If you must know, I make 150 pesos an hour." 
SON: "Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down, counting.
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow 75 pesos?" 

The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolity's." 

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. 

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that 75 pesos and he really didn't ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy. "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the man. "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the 75 pesos you asked for." The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he exclaimed.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father. "Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled. "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. 

"Daddy, I have 150 pesos now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you." 

The father could not say a word. He put his arms around his little son, and he hugged him as tears fell down his face.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We  should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some  time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do  remember to share that 150 pesos worth of your time with someone you love.   If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily  replace us in a matter of hours... But the family & friends we leave  behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

I May Never See Tomorrow

I may never see tomorrow

There's no written guarantee
And things that happened yesterday
Belong to history.

I cannot predict the future
I cannot change the past
I have just the present moments
I must treat them as my last.

I must use this moment wisely
For it soon will pass away
And be lost forever
As part of yesterday.

I must exercise compassion
Help the fallen to their feet
Be a friend unto the friendless
Make an empty life complete.

The unkind things I do today
May never be undone
And friendships that I fail to win
May nevermore be won.

I may not have another chance
On bended knee to pray
And I thank God with a humble heart
For giving me this day.

UnknownLife in the fast lane.jpg

Life in the Fast Lane

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and spun the Jag back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.

He jumped out of the car, grabbed a kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who do you think you are? Just what the heck are you doing?"

Building up a head of steam he went on. "That's a new car and the repairs are going to cost a lot of money! Why did you do it?"

"Please, mister, please. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do," pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop...." tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car.

"It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the man, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and May God bless you," the grateful child said to him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long walk back to his Jaguar, a long, slow walk.

He never did repair the side door. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.

God whispers in your soul and speaks to your heart. Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you.

It's your choice: Listen to the whisper or wait for the brick.

The Burning Desire..

A young man asked Socrates the secret to success. Socrates told the young man to meet him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to walk with him toward the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by surprise and ducked him into the water. The boy struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy started turning blue. Socrates pulled his head out of the water and the first thing the young man did was to gasp and take a deep breath of air. Socrates asked, 'What did you want the most when you were there?" The boy replied, "Air." Socrates said, "That is the secret to success. When youwant success as badly as you wanted the air, then you will get it." There is no other secret.

A burning desire is the starting point of all accomplishment.

Just like a small fire cannot give much heat, a weak desire cannot produce great results...

"Conquer Your Weakness"

This is a story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn’t understand why, after three months of training, the master had taught him only one move. “Sensei,” the boy finally said, “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?”

“This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever need to know,” the Sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the Sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the Sensei intervened. “No,” the Sensei insisted, “Let him continue.”

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.

On the way home, the boy and Sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind. “Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?”

“You won for two reasons,” the Sensei answered. “First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm.”

The boy’s greatest weakness had become his greatest strength.